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In the wake of the University of Oklahoma softball team winning their 3rd consecutive national title a couple of years ago, Head Coach Patty Gasso responded to a question about being happy with the accomplishment by saying that they’re not concerned with happiness in that locker room. Wait, what? Her response really got me thinking. If you’re not trying to be happy, what ARE you doing? During that summer of 2023, and still today - and really, always - my life provides its endless and unavoidable fluctuations. Can you relate? It feels like my “happiness level” is constantly changing, and the impulse to try and “be happy” when I’m not is a strong one. There is a lot of messaging out there - overt and implied - about how it’s not ok to be unhappy, that there’s something wrong with you if you’re not happy, and about to be happier. There is a booming industry in selling products and experiences, medications and things to do, try, and be, in service of increasing happiness. And sometimes they work, for a little while. But happiness is fleeting, and we would do well to be careful with seeking it, for a couple of reasons: The first is that it’s an emotion connected to a nervous system that is always seeking balance. A neurotypical brain floods with serotonin in response to a novel (new) stimulus, bringing feelings of excitement, joy, and even hope. Eventually, the mechanism to reabsorb that serotonin will activate; what we feel as happiness is not designed to be “on all the time,” but rather is - again in a “typical” brain - designed to come back to homeostasis, the range of optimal balance which is the ultimate existential goal of all biological systems. The return to one’s emotional baseline happens through a process called hedonic adaptation, and this process is why something amazing eventually becomes mundane. It’s how your brand new car eventually becomes mostly just transportation, and it is how we’re built; hedonic adaptation helps us survive by keeping us in an optimally-functional range and relatively undistracted - biologically, emotionally, mentally - by constant stimulation. A long-standing pharmaceutical solution to our “inability to be happy” (also known as depression) is the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or SSRI, which works to manipulate our natural balance by blocking the reabsorption of serotonin, thereby allowing us to feel “happy” for longer. Another reason: It is important to understand that happiness is usually attached to an outside source. The things that generate happiness are not the same for each of us, but the language we use is very telling: “My new car makes me happy” or “he/she/they make me happy” or “this national title makes me happy.” This is an oversimplification of course, but staking my well-being on events or things that are outside of my control and/or that don’t last is a gamble, and it gives away the power I have to influence my own experience through intentional choice. Plus, as Coach Gasso said, “someone has to clean up that confetti the next day.” In other words, that happy event is in the past, leaving only the tasks, experiences, relationships, and requirements of the moment that we now find ourselves in; in other words, that championship is yesterday’s news, and prep for the next season begins now. Although the memories of the past stick with us, we have to move forward. There are of course ways to elevate one’s emotional baseline over time, including therapy, proper nutrition, staying hydrated, learning to let go of the past and accept what is, practicing good habits, practicing gratitude, meditating, spending time in nature, and limiting the use of social media. We can also cultivate and sustain overall well-being (which is not the same as being happy all the time) by changing our priorities and objectives. These are all worthy pursuits; an elevated baseline means that our personal homeostasis - physical, mental, emotional, social, or spiritual - exists in a generally healthier range over time. But what if, instead of fleeting and uncontrollable happiness, I focus on seeking fulfillment? Fulfillment is achieved by engaging in activities, building relationships, and working to cultivate experiences that are inherently meaningful TO ME. These things are not dependent on outside sources or expectations, and are not measured in the pounds of pressure I feel when I think about the accolades or awards I gain from achieving whatever I think (or am told) will make me happy. Fulfillment comes from something that I choose because it resonates with my most deeply-held values and identity; it comes from growth and expression and applying what I learn for good. It comes from the very act of choosing something hard, working at it, failing (repeatedly), trying again (and again), accomplishing it, and changing my evaluation of what I thought I could achieve; it comes from the real-time experience of my own growth. Fulfillment comes from engaging in and acting upon a shared purpose; it is born from the struggle to all row the boat in the same direction, and from the connection, momentum, and rhythm achieved by that collective effort and commitment. Do I have to continually recommit to those practices? Of course; it’s not enough to choose growth once and then go back to being consumed by results. But unlike happiness, fulfillment is not about the constant seeking of a single moment; rather, it’s about an intrinsic sense of doing what we are meant to do, which is connected to who we are underneath all the expectations put on us by others. Fulfillment takes awareness, work, and sometimes tough choices, yet under the right conditions it is sustainable in a way that happiness can’t be. So, when Coach Gasso says that OU softball is focused on fulfillment, I understand that to mean that in their program everyone is actively engaged in a process driven by meaning, shared values, and small choices to work together and for each other every day. In that process, there will be struggle, failure, and unhappy moments, and that’s ok; without the bigger picture and intrinsic meaning that a quest for fulfillment provides, we’re likely to quit before we get to enjoy the happy ones. And, for those of us that care about performance, this is the way to achieve it consistently and sustainably…OU went on to win their 4th consecutive National Championship in 2024.
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